Full(filled) not busy

“We’re so busy”, “it’s so busy”, “I’m so busy”.  I hear versions of these phrases multiple times a day.  Our lives are full, it’s true, but when we say busy, it indicates for me that there’s stuff filling our schedules that is not meant for us to be doing or to be part of.  As a family of five, with three young children and two working parents, our lives are full – we have school and sport, work schedules and personal goals and we have family and friends we want to spend time with – but I’ve learnt that it doesn’t have to be busy.  We get to choose where we invest our capacity.  Those choices are what push us over the edge of ‘full’, into ‘busy’. 

As the wife and mom in our home, I’ve learnt that a lot of how our home feels and flows comes down to how I influence it to be.  I get to create an energy in our home, I get to create the schedules for our home, I get to create the pace in our home, or all these things get to create us.  And I’ve seen where that gets me, it’s not pretty.  It’s an overcommitted, overtired, overworked and overwhelmed woman who keeps up a very rigid mask of happiness and perfection to the outside world but becomes a frazzled mess in the safety of her own home, with the people she cares about most. 

A few years ago, this frazzled mess of a woman eventually got to a point where the day-to-day reality of her life was so far from her values and how she wanted her life for her family to be.  She needed to realign – to clarify what really mattered most to her and then create a life that really focussed on those things.  Realignment is a process.  The habits and mindset that got her to that  place are developed over many years and can’t just change overnight.  She had to refocus, reset and rebuild again, and still does, because it’s a continuous work in progress. 

In this work in progress, there are four things I’ve learnt to do that have really helped me create a life that is more in alignment with what’s really important to us, a life that is enjoyable and satisfying in- and outside of our home. 

I got comfortable with saying no

The hard truth is, we can’t do it all.  And guess what?  We’re not meant to.  To live a fulfilling life, we’ve got to learn how to say no to some good things, to be able to say yes to the great things, the things that really matter most to you. 

There is always a trade-off.  Every time we say yes to something, we’re saying no to something else. Every time.  I thought about listing out a few of the yesses and no’s we’ve had to navigate recently, but I decided against it because there’s no one-size-fits-all here.  What’s a priority for us might not be a priority for you.  But you do have priorities – the things for you and your family that matter most – and those things should get most of your time and energy. 

A quick way to check if your reality is aligned to your priorities is to have a look at your calendar.  Where is your time allocated?  Do your schedules and commitments reflect what’s most important to you?  If you answer is no, then something needs to shift.  You’re overcommitted, and probably in areas that don’t really matter very much.  Clear out the clutter so you can cultivate the important things.

Also, with most things in life, there are exceptions.  So long as those exceptions are considered in the context of the bigger picture you’re creating, and that the exceptions don’t become the norm, then that is ok! 

I set up our weeks for success

Our energy is made up of mental energy, emotional energy, physical energy and spiritual energy.  I find that the load of motherhood pulls on my mental and emotional energy the most – the juggle of things like meals for my family, sport and pick-up schedules, homework space, making use of teachable moments, running my business and just being present.  I’ve learnt that we can create capacity for ourselves through planning and setting ourselves up for success, rather than being on the backfoot all the time.

These are some of the things I now do to manage my energy through the week:

Plan ahead

Work, school and family schedules: I diarise and communicate what’s happening when so I can make it visual and avoid unmet expectations.

Meals: I do a weekly meal plan and grocery list, one grocery shop for all the ingredients needed for the week.

Social: this is often a trap for overcommitment, so I consider what’s planned and understand where our boundaries are.  Anything outside of that get’s pushed out.

Set up for success

Work, school and family schedules: Our visual planner on the fridge makes it easy for everyone to see what’s happening, when.  What needs to be packed for school activities, when parents are travelling and what’s for dinner! Making it visible for all, and teaching the kids were to look before asking me, is a game-changer.

Meals: I prep meals in advance – sauces, roasted veg, proteins for quick lunches, batch cooking of family dinners (cook once, eat twice) – so that if I’m running late at sport or my meeting runs over, or I walk the dogs, there’s not an underlying anxiety about food, because there’s always a frozen option.

Social: this may sound strange, but here goes (and remember – it’s not one-size-fits all!) – we have a list of friends and families that we want to entertain in our home, spend time with on weekends and holidays and we go to that list when we’re considering social commitments.  We set up and agree to invitations accordingly, so there’s generally less overcommitment.

I make it easy for myself to avoid distractions

Our focus is limited, and it gets drained very easily through distractions.  We’ve got to make it easy for ourselves to avoid distractions and create focus for whatever it is that’s needing our attention. 

Some of the ways I do this for myself and in our home are:

Turn off notifications – I check emails when I’ve made time to do that, my social media notifications are turned off, many of my whatsapp groups are muted.

Check messages when I have the space to respond to them – reading a message on the fly oftens means I will make a mental note to respond, which creates clutter in my mind of reminding myself to get back to that person, or I forget.  I read messages when I know I can respond.

Put my phone away – leave it in another room, leave it in the car, put it in a drawer.  One of the worst things my kids can say to me (and it has happened!) is “mommy, put your phone away.”

I prioritise rest

Rest is not a reward; it is a requirement.  When our schedules are so jam-packed with commitments that are pleasing everyone else but not re-energising me or our family, there’s a problem.  Rest is necessary to restore perspective, to refresh our physical energy, to get creative and to build connection. 

We’ve got to learn how to rethink rest.  We need to learn how to rest well, so we can be better versions of ourselves for the people that matter most to us and in all the places and spaces we occupy.

If you’re feeling stuck but feel like you’re moving really fast through your days and weeks, if you’re feeling unfulfilled but your calendar is chock-a-block, if you’re feeling overwhelmed by the balls in your juggle, then maybe some of these things that have helped me, can help you too.  Let’s create full(fillment) rather than busy.